Sunday, September 28, 2008

Moving on... ?

On Wednesday, something miraculous happened - I started to feel better. After weeks of living in survival mode and being miserable 24/7, something kicked in and I got happy. Secretly, I think it had more to do with the cloud of all the chemicals in the pill being lifted, since I went off it as soon as the ex and I broke up. But also, I began to have hope. That morning I woke up in the same bad, hopeless mood I had been in on Tuesday, the same day I last posted, but I went to lunch with one of my co-worker friends and exchanged a few emails with the guy I mentioned earlier that I had gone out on a date with a year ago (we'll call him J) and things started looking up. I could listen to music again. I didn't feel like bursting into tears at my desk. It was good.

The high from Wednesday has worn off little by little as the days have gone by, but I'm still feeling significantly better than I have since everything happened. Yesterday I spent the day with my parents and did some computer shopping, which is a story in itself that might have to wait for another post. Spending so much time with them lately has been nicer than I thought it would be. They seem really happy to have me "back". Then today, J and I met up for lunch. All week I had high hopes for this lunch but I'm not quite sure how to evaluate how it went. I don't know if it was a date, and frankly I don't know if I wanted it to be one or not. We met early, had lunch with lots of conversation and then went our separate ways. The whole thing was less than an hour. Now, on the one hand, there's no way I'm ready for a relationship again right now. Not at all. On the other hand, it was kind of tempting to think about a guy in a somewhat romantic way again. I'm conflicted, but in a way, relieved that I wasn't forced to make any decisions about the situation today.

The ex (who will now be known as "P") and I haven't talked since our big blowup after the breakup. I'm hoping we can maybe have a quick chat this week, just so we can start establishing our friendship. I've moved on to the point where I'm not holding out hope of getting back together and I just want to break the ice on the friendship thing so I don't have to freak out about it anymore.

So the moral of the story is, I've finally begun the process of moving on. Where I'm moving to, however, is still to be determined.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Last Day Off

Today I'm off from work as the last day of my bereavement time off and all the time to myself is predictably starting to get to me. I've been trying my hardest to resist sending my ex an email since I woke up this morning. It's been about a week since we last talked, and that conversation was horrible. I just want to talk to him, as a friend. We had agreed when we first broke up that we would try to be friends and this was very important to both of us. However, last week when we fought again, post-breakup, he told me he needed a few weeks of no contact. So, I have to stick to that. I know that logically, but emotionally it's incredibly difficult. So much has happened in my life since the breakup and I just want to tell him about it all. But I have to keep reminding myself that I can't and that he needs time away.

On the plus side, I officially got promoted at work as of yesterday. Yes, it's true I wasn't in the office, but in an effort to stay busy I checked my work email and found the offer letter waiting for me. My new position starts on October 1st and they offer they gave me was better than I was expecting. I'm looking forward to getting all of that moving when I get back to the office tomorrow and honestly it'll be pretty nice to have something to keep me busy for 9 hours a day again.

Monday, September 22, 2008


I'm back from the funeral and working on getting things back on track in my life. Despite the fact that we were all gathered together for a tragic reason, it was quite interesting to spend such an extended amount of time with my extended family. For example, one long lost relative insisted that I don't look a day over 13 (I'm 25).

Now I'm back at my apartment and watching back to back DVD episodes of Sex and the City. My breakup routine generally consists of marathoning some of my favorite tv shows, preferably the ones that include relationship drama. First I went through all of my episodes of Gilmore Girls (seasons 5 through 7 - I have 1 - 3 on order and am watching 4 on Netflix, one disc at a time). Now I'm back to SATC and yes, I have the whole series so this should last me a while.

One terrible, terrible thing about the internet is that you can very closely keep up with the social activities of your ex. Nothing bad has been revealed about the ex (yet), but it's clear from his facebook that he's keeping himself busy and trying to move on. It's kind of torturous to have access to this kind of information because on the one hand, I want to know everything, but on the other hand, everything I find out makes me miserable. But I have decided that it's time for me to start getting back into the social scene and attempt to move on as well. I contacted a guy I went on one date with last year - this was immediately before I started dating the ex - and we're going to do some catching up. Not necessarily anything romantic. I'm also trying to set up some lunches and dinners with friends I've fallen out of touch with. Right now the main goal is to keep busy. After that, I'm really going to focus on figuring myself out.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sad news

After a long battle with heart disease and cancer, my grandmother passed away this afternoon. We had known it was coming for about the past week but it was still somewhat shocking to hear it actually happened today. My mother sent an email to me and my brother around 5 today to break the news - I was still at the office at the time. I'm still waiting to hear news about when the wake and funeral will be. She was my last living grandparent.

This is one of two BIG reasons why the past two weeks have been extremely difficult. The other is that my boyfriend of almost a year and I broke up. I wrote him a very quick note today to let him know that it had happened (he had told me during our breakup that he would want to know) and he wrote me back a very nice but very formal response.

It seems that Really Bad things always happen at the same time so I'm trying to put everything in perspective and figure out where to go from here. One of the reasons I started this blog was to help me figure that out. We'll see how it goes.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Internet adventures

I think the internet has been rebelling against me lately. A few weeks ago, I got an email from a co-worker, one who is about to become my new manager, which asked me for my screenname as we needed to discuss an important project and IM is the medium of choice at my company. So, I entered his screenname into my contacts on Trillian and waited a few minutes. He wasn't on - or so I thought. Then I received a second email from him and apparently the issue was urgent and he wasn't seeing me online either. Weird. So I restarted Trillian. HUGE MISTAKE. It refused to connect and just sat there and did nothing. I tried restarting the program another 5 times or so and then tried restarting my whole computer. Still nothing. At that point I emailed him back and told him trillian was being a jerk and luckily we were able to work the issue out over email. Of course, about 15 minutes later, I tried another seemingly hopeless attempt to restart and reconnect and voila - it worked.

Last night after returning home from work, I needed desperately to sign on to AIM and it happened AGAIN. Now, it's important to note that this program has worked every other time I've used it in the past month except for the 2 times I needed it most.

Then today, google turned against me. I had been contemplating setting up this blog for a while and decided today was the day to go for it. First step - create a new email address for the site. So, using my last few free minutes at the office, I signed on to gmail and began the signup process, fill out the form, hit submit and... the page refreshes and doesn't accept my info. WITH NO INDICATION AS TO WHY. I try again - same result. So, I gave up on that pursuit for the moment and came to blogger to try signing up for the blog itself. SAME RESULT OMG!!

After I came home from work and tried again and for some reason it worked that time. My running theory is that the page assumed I hadn't read the terms and conditions because I didn't scroll down in the box the first million times I tried. But man, internet - cut me a break here!

Jumping on the train

After many many years of reading blogs like it's going out of style, I've finally decided to start one of my own. Now, some might say this is not my first attempt at blogging, and technically, they'd be right. Five or 6 years ago I started up a livejournal which I updated sporadically and eventually gave in to my paranoia and made it all "friends only". This is a fresh start, and a new forum and recent events in my life have sent me scrambling for a new outlet (I'm sure I will elaborate on these events in future posts).

Now, I must return to a Netflix-inspired Gilmore Girls marathon viewing session. However, since this blog thing is still all new and exciting, I will probably post again before bed.