Up and down then back again - Part 2

Friday at work was absolutely crazy, though it didn't start off that way. Up until lunch, there wasn't a single thing to do, which gave me plenty of time to think about the possibilities of what might be happening that night. I went home for lunch that day so I could clean up a little and relax. When i came back, I immediately had to go help someone with a project they were working on and then things started breaking left and right. It was one emergency after another all the way until 6. When I got home, J and I chatted about our plans for that night and decided to see Body of Lies at 7:45. All of our dates so far have been driven to in separate cars and that night was no different. I was worried about parking so I left a little earlier than I had to. We got in line together and started chatting about our days and when we got to the ticket counter, I reached for my purse and for the very first time... he offered to pay! All of our other dates have been split 50-50, so I took this as a good sign. We didn't really have much more time than that to talk since the movie started right up. It had to have been at least halfway to 3/4 through the movie before he started making a move. We've only been on one other movie date together and there were no moves during that movie either, so I was actually sort of surprised this time around that anything actually happened. He reached over and put his hand on my leg and then grabbed my hand, which was really sweet. That's all that happened there and then as he was walking to my car again, we made out a little in the parking lot again.

Saturday I spent the day at my parents house cooking and eating and just generally hanging out and Sunday was a low-key catchup kind of day. After 4 days in a row of social events, I was actually happy to have one of those. Unfortunately now, the cycle seems to have started over again and I'm feeling down once more. It probably has something to do with the fact that I haven't had much going on this week and that always gives me too much time to think about you know who.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about that friend who defriended me after the breakup and I've been wanting to write him a letter to try to make things better between us. Basically I want to explain my side of things and why certain things happened the way they did and just apologize for the wrongs done on my side. Now, he was just as responsible for all the bad stuff that went down between us, but I'm taking responsibility for my stuff. I started drafting the letter yesterday during my lunch break but I have a lot of revisions to make. I need to make sure this doesn't come across in any way that might make things worse. I don't honestly think he will want to come back and be friends with me again, but I'm hoping that by doing this, I'll get all these bad feelings off my chest and maybe he'll at least think less badly of me.

Oh, and P was not online tonight - I found out from his facebook status that he wouldn't be home tonight. So the conversation is postponed yet again. I'm actually sort of relieved.

Up and down then back again

Sorry it's been so long since my last update! Last week was quite busy, and I must say, exciting. Early in the week I had started to get down again, thinking about P and all the drama surrounding him and that whole time period. He and I had sworn to stay friends during the breakup and after our post-breakup email exchanges/fights we decided that after a month or so had gone by, we would try to start talking, casually and online. It's been about 6 weeks now so last week I decided to send him a quick and very casual IM. He never responded. A few hours later he sent an email saying he was sorry he missed my IM and we'd catch up some other time. Now, my reaction to this was that he just didn't want to talk to me so he pretended he wasn't on. His status shows him as online when I sent the IM and for a while after, at least until I signed off to go to bed. This happened last Monday, so it's been a week and a half and I've heard nothing from him. I'm contemplating trying again tonight, but I know there's a good chance I could regret that later, depending on how it goes. I would just let it go and wait, but I know that if we ever want to be friends, this is something we have to do eventually and I'm really really anxious to just break that ice so I can stop thinking about it. Basically, I want to get that first conversation over with.

Tuesday night my yoga class got canceled because of the election and I stayed up to watch the results come in. I was pretty excited by the outcome and the whole event was a great diversion for the night. Wednesday though, I was still in a funk so at around 4 while I was still at work, I sent a text to J asking if he felt like doing dinner that night. It was totally random and we hadn't talked for days so I didn't think he'd say yes, but he did! That's about when my mood started to turn around because I knew I had that to look forward to that night. In the back of my mind though, I was wondering if that would be the night we'd have "the talk" and end things (maybe I'm just paranoid, but I had (and still have) no idea where I stand with him). Luckily that didn't happen. Not only did it not happen but after we finished our dinner, he walked me to my car and asked me out again for that Friday and then he gave me a great big kiss right in the middle of the parking lot. Uh-huh, mood 100% turned around.

The next day I was all day-dreamy, thinking about J, and our kiss the night before and the possibilities of the date on Friday (he had asked me to a movie). Also that day, I had scheduled a dinner with an old old high school friend who I hadn't seen in almost 10 years. We were set to meet up in the city and I was a little nervous about getting there and back because, ok I'll admit it, I really suck at directions. I spent half of my downtime at work that day daydreaming and half studying maps. I did end up getting ridiculously lost on the way there (and back), but I think I did okay for myself lol. The dinner itself was awesome and it was great to reconnect.

I'll save the rest of the weekend for another post later tonight and maybe by then I will have attempted my next contact with P and will have stories about that - good or bad (I'm almost sure they won't be good - but it needs to be done!).

quiety descending into winter

This has been the quietest weekend I've had in recent memory. But in some ways it was nice. On Friday night I got to really sleep, which again, I haven't done for EVER. I think i got around 12 hours in total and I was completely shocked when I woke up Saturday morning and saw that it was noon. Saturday, my only real activity was to go food shopping which was very productive. I spent $75 since I had a lot to stock up on, but $50 of it was essentially free because I used a gift check that I've been holding on to for months. Then as I was checking out, the cashier boy decided to flirt with me a little, which was funny because he couldn't have been older than 16 or 17, but also flattering because I can use all the positive reinformcement I can get these days.

Sunday I was anticipating to be another quiet day, but around 1, my mother called saying she and my dad were in the neighborhood and they wanted to know if I wanted a little company. So, they came by and we had a little bit of lunch together and my mother helped me do some deep-cleaning on the kitchen and bathroom while my father napped.

This week I'm hoping will be a little more eventful than the last. I've got an email in to my old old high school friend (and crush) - we've been trying to make plans for weeks and weeks now and I'm dying to hang out with him again. I'll probably send another email to that guy who got electrocuted the last time we tried to hang out to see if he wants to reschedule for this week too.

And it has been COLD here for the past few weeks. Like, winter cold. For instance, right now it's in the low 30s and at least 2 days last week I woke up to full-blown ice covering my windshields. Winter is not supposed to come this early... especially not when we know we have 6 more months until spring decides to emerge. We totally got gypped out of fall!

New templates and new thoughts

As you've probably noticed (if you've ever visited before), I decided to change up the template. Of course, doing this the free way, my options are quite limited but I think I'm pretty happy with this new choice. The old one felt too squished and like there wasn't enough room for my actual posts.

This week has been pretty low-key on the social front. Or at least it's felt that way. Monday I saw J. again and Tuesday was my yoga class. But now there's a seemingly endless stretch of nothing and it's been kind of getting me down. J. and I are pretty much on the same page about what we're doing so I'm not upset at all about him (the only reason I would be anyway is because we haven't talked since Monday). It's more just the state of my life right now. My social circle has fallen apart, as I documented in a few of my earlier posts and my best girl friend has been MIA for the past year since she moved in with her boyfriend. She wasn't even there for me when everything was falling apart. Basically, I need to find some new friends and while I'm doing okay with getting out and catching up with people I haven't seen in a while, I'm still not in a comfortable place.

I didn't think I was still so unsettled by all of that drama, but last night I ended up staying up past 2:30 thinking about it. Luckily I had my netflixed Desperate Housewives disc to watch, which helped distract me, but I think I really have a lot of unresolved feelings about everything. Like for instance, all the mean, infuriating and unfair things P said to me during our breakup (and the fights that preceded it), or how my friend N. said equally unfair and hurtful things to me when he defriended me. OR how that girl friend, K., has been completely unhelpful and cold. Basically all of people (excluding my family) that were important to me during the past year are no longer there. It's been a hard few months, so I guess I can't be surprised when every now and then it catches up with me and I have a bad night.

Anyway, now that I've got that out of my system and on paper, maybe I'll be able to sleep tonight. Luckily I've got both Saturday and Sunday to catch up on that this weekend. It's time to re-focus on the good.

Things are turning around...

After the big blowup with P from last week, I decided to write him off, didn't reply to his email and attempted to stop caring. Then finally, Saturday morning when I checked my email, I had a very long email from him waiting there for me. He told me what his impression of my last email had been to him, and told me he wanted me to respond this time because he was really hoping that he had misinterpreted something. Well, apparently what had happened was that I had mentioned that I was feeling "better" in my last email to him and he took that to mean that I had moved on and that our relationship didn't mean as much to me as it did to him, and not only that, but I was rubbing it in his face. That was TOTALLY not what I meant - what I did mean was that I wasn't in the horrible state of saddness and depression that I had been when the breakup and my grandmother's passing happened at the same time. I wrote back to him and explained that and long story short, we're back on good terms. In fact, we might be on the best terms we've been in since the breakup. We talked about the plan as to how we're going to get to the point where we can be friends and we decided that we're going to give it another few weeks, and then start with a few IM conversations.

In other news, I'm feeling slightly overwhelmed about my new position at work. It's a highly technical position that comes with the label of "engineer", and while I feel confident in some areas, there's A LOT to learn. I imagine I've got some weekends of studying ahead of me.

On Saturday I went out with my parents and finally finally got myself a new laptop. I had my old laptop for almost 6 years and as the past year went on, it became riddled with issues. The plug wouldn't stay in, which meant it wouldn't charge properly. The only way I got around this was to position the laptop ON the cord, in a very specific position and then not move it while I was using it. Fun! Also, the CD burner stopped working completely. So, I've now got a new Toshiba Satellite (the same brand as my old one - I figure if this one waits another 6 years to crap out, I'm golden).

So, overall I'm feeling good. I've got my new job, my new computer, I did a ton of cleaning and chores this weekend and I'm trying to stay true to the goals I wrote down in my last post.

Resolutions

I was just reading an old archived post on one of my new favorite blogs and it was about new years resolutions. Something about it inspired me to make some resolutions of my own - but screw new years, I'm making them now. I've been feeling so down in the dumps for the past month about my ex and my grandmother and it's really made me do some hard thinking about what it means to be "happy". It's not an easy thing to define. But what I'm hoping is that my Right Now Resolutions will help me take some steps toward a happier place. Here's my list so far:

Reconnect with old friends and try to make some new ones

Strengthen the relationships I have with my family

Write more - writing out my thoughts has always helped me sort through issues

Declutter my apartment - I started on this one a few months ago but everything came to a grinding halt this past month. Time to pick it up again!

(Possibly) Rearrange my living room - My apartment is very limited on wall space, which is nice in that the living room/kitchen/dining room area is very open, but that makes it hard to rearrange furniture in a pleasing way. If I can come up with a new floor plan, this is on the list.

See the bright side in each situation I find myself in and don't get mired down by the few things that may not agree with me

Actively look for topics of conversation to bring up/things to talk about when hanging out with other people - this one might seem a bit strange to you, but it's one of my weaknesses. By nature, I'm a pretty shy person. Always have been. I've gotten much better as the years have gone by, but when I'm in a group situation or when spending time with someone I don't know that well, I find myself clamming up and feeling uncomfortable. I figure some preparation prior to finding myself in these situations may help me be more outspoken.

Don't rush! This past year I was seemingly going at warp speed at all times, trying to find the most efficient way to do everything. This was partially brought on by work because that's the way we're expected to be there, but it spilled into my life outside of work as well. Living like that, aside from being efficient, did nothing but stress me out.

Stop caring as much what other people think of me

That's all for now but I may add more later.